Once again, super frustrated. I have assignments coming out of my ears and no time to do them. Makes me resent work like hell.

Haven't heard from D in like 36 hours. Not super long but I'm sure something is up, his messages aren't even delivering now so I'm sure his phone has ran out of battery. I'm terrified there's something wrong or he's gone into hospital. And I'm pissed because I told him to tell me. And because he wanted to avoid not feeling well I suspect he's just not well and hasn't told me. I'm so mad. I HATE not knowing. And not knowing is clouding my brain with anxiety when I just need to figure out and write a risk assessment even though I have no idea how to do it. Maybe cigarette and modafanil time. 

 Why does my BPD invade me, it makes me paranoid and feel like I shouldn't be trusting. Why does it do this. 

It makes me withdraw and want to lash out at the same time, I don't like feeling this way. Maybe it's why I like remaining calm. Stress in appropriate situations only. Good stress. Manageable stress that makes sense.

But this does make sense? I feel like I'm being used for money and like that person has been grateful until I've had to say no. I can be annoyed and yet able to reflect that it's not true after. Why not just let the emotion 'be'? Because feeling emotion = destruction, a feeling of needing to take action and 'do something'. What action is there to take in a circumstance like this though? There isn't one. Perhaps writing will help. 

I closed off my communication earlier, did that help? I'm not sure. I'm still angry.