Well, it's 10 weeks until I finish therapy. Finally.

The Samaritans call really fucked me over. I can look back on it briefly and when I do, I think, wow, I just don't know how I kept going. But I guess that's always been the way, I've always kept going and I've never had the luxury of stopping. Hospital is when I got to stop before.

I feel that even my bpd is relatively tamed. I don't panic. Dan doesn't make me panic.

For a moment I briefly panicked that Dan was once again another choice on my behalf of choosing someone unavailable but I don't think that's the case, I'm too invested for it to be that way. I really hope things get better after his court case.

I'm feeling much more positive about uni as well. Apart from the shit show that is their enrolment team. Honestly, can't wait to be done with it.

Anyway, there's a builder coming early to check the kitchen roof and I want to read some creepy Reddit before bed and maybe even get a night sleep without the cat? He's moping downstairs atm, I anticipate him waking me up several times in the night. I'm not sure who moves first, me or the cat, but I always seem to wake up sleeping on a different side to where I started. Sigh.

 I don't want therapy anymore. I want it to end. I am done with talking about myself, linking things and such. I don't feel like I'm learning anything new out about myself. 

Do I self-sabotage? Have I just learnt only how to do life when pushed to a limit and never learned how to do anything else? But then why was lockdown such a breeze.

I am so anxious about covid ruining my holiday. I already feel upset at the thought of not being able to go. I'm worried about Halloween weekend not happening either now that Rhi is sick. And do I need to be more careful of Rhi now she's been sick? I need to double check. 

There's so much happening in the next couple of weeks and I am overwhelmed 

 Once again, super frustrated. I have assignments coming out of my ears and no time to do them. Makes me resent work like hell.

Haven't heard from D in like 36 hours. Not super long but I'm sure something is up, his messages aren't even delivering now so I'm sure his phone has ran out of battery. I'm terrified there's something wrong or he's gone into hospital. And I'm pissed because I told him to tell me. And because he wanted to avoid not feeling well I suspect he's just not well and hasn't told me. I'm so mad. I HATE not knowing. And not knowing is clouding my brain with anxiety when I just need to figure out and write a risk assessment even though I have no idea how to do it. Maybe cigarette and modafanil time. 

 Why does my BPD invade me, it makes me paranoid and feel like I shouldn't be trusting. Why does it do this. 

It makes me withdraw and want to lash out at the same time, I don't like feeling this way. Maybe it's why I like remaining calm. Stress in appropriate situations only. Good stress. Manageable stress that makes sense.

But this does make sense? I feel like I'm being used for money and like that person has been grateful until I've had to say no. I can be annoyed and yet able to reflect that it's not true after. Why not just let the emotion 'be'? Because feeling emotion = destruction, a feeling of needing to take action and 'do something'. What action is there to take in a circumstance like this though? There isn't one. Perhaps writing will help. 

I closed off my communication earlier, did that help? I'm not sure. I'm still angry. 

Sept.19

Changed about 50 of my passwords yesterday because one account got hacked about a year ago and still seeing repurcussions! Thankfully this was already on a unique password...yay?

I spoke with A at work, seems we both get the same feeling towards a new fellow. It is interesting as we both agree on our initial observation although generally we don't agree on someone's integrity/honesty. Let's see how this pans out. Hopefully it'll be a wonderful learning experience for me where I come out the other side looking all shiny and amazing. Ha.

I found my old Postsecret book. I literally can't believe it's still going and I wonder if it's the same guy 'Frank' that's still running the blog. Seems like it's a new generation with the same problems. Wonder if it'll ever end....  Also, wow, just found out he has a Ted talk!

I've never really felt like I had any secrets, maybe it's because if someone asked my something, I'd be truthful.

Maybe my secret now is that I used to have sex for money although I don't even feel like that's particularly a secret in any given context.

Summer Break

My therapist seemed to think I would struggle without seeing her for a month over summer although on reflection, perhaps she was just making sure I would be fine for a month and not like have a break down or something.

For the first two weeks I had nothing to think about. I struggle finding things to talk about. What is relevant? What is on my mind? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Maybe I need to subject myself to more people.

Anyway. After a week away with my parents and sister, I have found many complications in my mind. Most notable that obviously so much of my personality had come from my parents and that had caused misery. Now I have climbed past these issues, seeing them in front of me is an uncomfortable reminder of who I was before and it's pretty horrible to be near it. It's like I hate who I once was, maybe I need more compassion for myself.

Aside from this I am struck with tension and anxiety once more from one of my days off changing at work and suddenly I'm questioning my whole existance which is obviously the most rational thing I can do.

Tuesday after Easter

God, I hate getting up early. Even with enough sleep getting up at 8am makes me feel like I’m going on holiday, like when you have to leave at 4am. Except no holiday.

My IBS yesterday was really bad, probably the worst day I’ve had in a long time. But who the fuck knows if it is IBS because I had my scan almost a year ago and no results yet! 

To be fair, about 6 weeks until then; time has flown by! 

I am happy that I’ve managed to get hold of a time out this morning though; possibly the only perk of having to pretend I’m a morning person? 

Anxiety was bad yesterday also but I watched Line of Duty which snapped me right out of that by the time I got to the end of it. It’s amazing what a good drama can cure. But hey, I think I’ve gotten over that now!